Turning Conflict into Clarity: Why Meet and Confer Matters in Family Court

Written By Robert Coleman

Ever been in an argument where both sides keep talking, but no one can agree on what the fight is really about? Family law judges face the same problem in Request for Order (RFO) hearings when attorneys don’t handle the meet and confer process well. In the end, the difference between spinning in circles and making progress is clarity about what’s really at issue.

Under the California Rules of Court, parties are required to meet and confer before a court hearing on a party's RFO. (California Rules of Court Rule 5.98.) That simply means talking through the issues in good faith — by phone, Zoom, or in person. Domestic violence matters are generally exempt from this requirement. Parties should also exchange the key documents ahead of time; courts may decline to consider material that wasn’t shared. The goal isn't to settle everything. It's to make sure the judge knows going into the hearing:

  1. What relief the parties are seeking.

  2. What efforts have been made to meet and confer.

  3. Which facts are already agreed upon (so that the judge isn't sorting through non-issues).

  4. Which facts remain disputed — especially the key issues the judge needs to decide.

Family law judges have limited time and resources. They often review papers late at night or on weekends—usually without a research attorney. When your case is called, they may have just 20–40 minutes to decide. A judge’s dream is to open your RFO papers and immediately see: What relief is requested? What’s agreed? What needs deciding? Unclear papers increase the risk of error; good meet and confer gives the court a roadmap.

Here are some tips:

  • Include a proposed order. Put all requested relief in one clear, easy-to-read document.

  • If possible, submit a joint statement. For each issue, note whether there’s agreement — and if not, briefly state each party’s position. A simple table works best.

  • If no agreement is possible, be clear in your own papers. Spell out which facts are agreed upon and which remain in dispute. Judges don’t want settlement numbers; they want the key facts: income, parenting time, or other foundational facts.

  • Start early. Beginning the meet and confer process before filing your RFO builds credibility and shows good faith.

  • Protect settlement confidentiality. Describe facts; don’t quote settlement offers.

When meet and confer is treated like a box to check, hearings turn into confusion and wasted time. When it’s done well, it reduces stress, saves costs, and—most importantly—turns conflict into clarity.

How do you approach meet and confer? Have you found strategies that help clarify issues before court? Share your thoughts—I’d love to hear how others handle this challenge.

Robert Coleman